Controlling Behaviors of Birth Order

                We are born helpless.  We have no control over ourselves or our environment. 
Gradually we gain control so that we can hold the rattle, roll over and pull ourselves up.  Getting control becomes a major goal in life.  It shows up in Birth Order behavior.

                The Only Child wants to control space, time and things in resistance to interference by helpful parents and others in the Only Child’s activity.   The helpful adult rearranges things, changes the space by removing or adding things and rushes the child rather than giving time.  Even in adult life the person feels compelled to control time, space and things.  The Only resists being interrupted, lays claim to his or her own space and maintains his or her own schedule.  The Only feels frustrated when unable to control his or her own environment. 

                The First Born feels the need to control others’ opinions about him or her.   Having “lost” mother’s love to the baby the First Born looks for ways to get it back by being good, showing off or doing what mother wants.  This becomes a lifelong pattern of catering to others’ emotions to get them to feel good toward the First Born.  The First Born feels guilty if others show signs of displeasure toward him or her.

                The Second Born, in the face of First Born behavior, wants to control that behavior.   The Second Born feels the need to keep the First Born from showing off and to make the First Born look bad in the competition for mother’s love.  In adult life the Second Born may feel compelled to control others by making rules, offering criticisms or by competing with others.   When the Second Born is unable to control another’s behavior he or she experiences anger.       

                As a child the Third Born experiences Second Born control  and tries to counter it with new, better ideas.  In adult life the Third Born tries to control others’ thinking by overriding their ideas, often becoming pushy with others.  On a positive note, they may contribute ideas liberally without trying to smother another’s ideas.   When they are unable to control another’s ideas they can become stubborn in reacting to this person.  

                The Fourth Born feels overwhelmed by older siblings, especially the Third Born, whom he or she would like to control.  In trying to achieve control the Fourth Born may develop strategies for sabotaging the older siblings’ behavior by lying, tattling, accusing, throwing tantrums or acting like a victim.  In adult life the Fourth Born can be emotionally and/or physically controlling, manipulative and threatening.  The Fourth Born may also seek to control others by playing victim with a “poor me” message.  When the Fourth Born is unable to control someone he or she may become vengeful.

                Each of the Birth Orders can practice internal controlling as well.  The Only controls self by thinking that life is full of things you “have to” do so that he or she does not get to do what he or she “wants” to do.  The First Borns control their own thinking/feeling in order to not offend someone else.  Second Borns control themselves by hiding their feelings in order to better control others’ behavior.  Third Borns control themselves by trying to do away with their fears in order to be free to challenge others’ thinking.  Fourth Borns suppress their feelings so they do not interfere with controlling others.

                To minimize controlling each Birth Order has its own challenge.  Onlies are challenged to enjoy life even when it becomes chaotic.  First Borns are challenged to accept feedback from others rather than try to influence it.  Second Borns are challenged to enjoy others’ successes.  Third Borns are challenged to appreciate others’ ideas.  Fourth Borns are challenged to enjoy people as they are.  Meeting these challenges enhances life, relieves the stress of having to control and lets one be free to use energy for living life rather than for controlling.