Comforting By Birth Order

One reader raised the question of how Birth Order can help in comforting others in a time of grief. If you have comforted someone who has experienced a devastating loss you know how difficult giving comfort can be. Sometimes we feel all we can do is give a hug.

The grieving person needs more than anything for someone to understand what he or she is going through. Sensing this, many people assure the grieving person, "I understand how you feel." Rather than comfort this has the opposite effect because the person does not believe it. He or she thinks think there is no way for anyone to understand how they feel. And, saying you understand suggests that you are not open to listening because you already understand.

The best way to prepare for comforting others is to understand Birth Order. Out of your understanding you can make statements that truly comfort the other person. The person feels comforted when he or she senses you understand. You can produce this comfort if you understand the dynamics of grief according to Birth Order. It'll help you know what to say.

An Only experiences grief as chaos. Saying something like "This really devastates your world, doesn't it?" can be comforting.

A First Born experiences grief as a failure of love. Saying something like, "You really cared about him, didn't you?" can comfort the First Born.

A Second Born experiences grief as pain. Saying, "This really hurts, doesn't it?" can relieve grief.

A Third Born experiences grief as weakness as in "there was nothing I could do." Comfort can be given as "It's really hard to be strong right now, isn't it?"

A Fourth Born experiences grief as helplessness. You can comfort by saying "This really makes you feel helpless, doesn't it?"

Some people don't need comforting even though they have experienced a loss. These are the people who have had a good relationship with each other before death occurred. For them a wake or a funeral can actually be a celebration of life.