Insights into Marriage from Birth Order

Birth Order is to behavior what algebra is to mathematics. Just as algebra enables the solution of numerical problems so Birth Order helps figure out relationships.

The most complex relationship is that of marriage. Failure to understand marriage lessens the chance of success. People intend to stay married, plan to be happy and expect to succeed by doing what comes naturally. Unfortunately, what comes naturally may be toxic to the relationship if one has learned the wrong things.

Birth Order has led to a unique understanding of marriage. To share these insights we, my co-author Meg Schneider and I, have written a book entitled “The Good-for-you Marriage.” It gives the insights from Birth Order without talking about Birth Order. It just tells you what goes into a good marriage, the variations that occur because of personality differences and the strategies that can improve marriage.

The book is available in bookstores and on-line.

Here are frequently asked questions that are dealt with by this book.

1. What causes marriages to break up? People want to stay married but fail for lack of knowledge. A couple may not know about bonding in marriage, dealing with babies, the twenty-six year life passage, the challenge of teen-agers, the mid-life transition, life in the empty nest years and relating in the senior years. In addition, couples may be surprised by commitment phobia, sexual differences, handling money, stresses and communication problems. A couple may also need to deal with addictions, infidelity, anger and jealousy. It helps to know these things to stay happily married.

2. What is the purpose of this book? To help people know what they are doing when they are married. Every marriage is unique so the book gives insights rather than formulas for making marriages better. It is to help couples know how to bond, what is happening at each stage in life, how to deal with financial issues, how to stay stable in turbulent times, how to deal with emotions, and how to communicate according to personality.
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3. Who is this book written for? It is written for those who want to improve their marriages. It is not written for those who have given up, for those who are looking for a way out or for those who are in abusive relationships. It is aimed at couples who want to figure out what is going on in their lives, who are being given bad advice by friends and family, or who realize they do not understand themselves or each other. It is written so couples can enjoy their marriages.

4. What is different about his book? It gives readers an understanding of the dynamics of marriage. The dynamics include insights into the early years of marriage, the child-rearing years, the mid-life transition, the empty nest years and the so-called golden years. The book contains insights from 30,000 counseling sessions dealing with marital issues.

5. Who should read this book? Anyone who knows they can do better than they are doing right now should read this book. Anyone can benefit who is reluctantly considering divorce, who is stressed or is experiencing anger in his or her marriage. Anyone living marriage in a defensive mode should read this book. Also, anyone whose spouse is unhappy should read this book before things get beyond repair. There comes a tipping point when it is too late.

6. What is the advantage of being married over just living together? Living together is an experiment while marriage is a commitment. In living together people anticipate failure so they avoid commitment to make it easy to get out. In marriage people expect to succeed so they commit themselves to it. In living together problems do not have to be solved but married couples want to resolve problems.

7. Why do so many marriages succeed? There are many that do. They succeed because the couples come from happy families that programmed them to have happy marriages or they learned to overcome the bad influences of the past to create successful marriages. This book offers ways to have a good marriage despite bad learning in the childhood home.

8. What do couples need to know? They need to know the eight or more reasons why they got married, how to maintain their marriage, how bonding happens, how to understand each other and how to communicate both information and meaning. They also need to love themselves so they can love each other unconditionally.

9. What is bonding? Bonding is learning to understand each other's non-verbal communication. Couples who have bonded communicate well without words because they understand the meaning of facial expression, tone of voice and body language. Bonding happens best when couples experience each other in new surroundings that bring out different facets of their personalities.

10. What can couples expect from the book? They can expect to learn what makes marriage work. Because every marriage is unique there is no one formula for all. Each marriage requires insight to not only make it work but to enjoy it. Couples can apply the knowledge gained to their own relationship. They can expect to discover how to improve their marriage, find more ways to enjoy each other and reap the benefits of marriage.

"The Good-for-you Marriage" (Adams Media, 2008) is available in bookstores and from on-line stores such as Amazon and Barnes and Noble.