Would you like for your relationship to be free of anger? Anger in a relationship makes you feel helpless, take on the victim role and causes pain. We have learned to fear anger as children and that fear is still with us. To feel safe we do what we can to hide from it, pacify the person who is angry or get angry ourselves before the other person can get angry. The anger puts a wedge between us, drives away people with whom we want to be close and attracts people to us who want to fight.
Let’s assume that something can be done to get rid of anger.
Anger destroys relationships. Anger causes conflict, scares children as well as spouse and leads to destructive behavior. Hidden anger communicated to others makes them be cautious around you. Others try to feel safe by hiding their feelings from you, trying to pacify you or by preempting your anger by getting angry first. To improve relationships you need to lose that anger.
We often communicate anger with no awareness that we are doing so non-verbally though the sound of our voices, the look in our eyes, the expression on our faces, the gestures we make and a multitude of other signals. This non-verbal communication of anger is not only a turnoff but it invites others to be angry at you. Frequent anger at you may be a sign that you are subconsciously displaying anger to others.
The non-verbal component is the majority of our communication. Non-verbal messages comprise 93% while words contribute just 7% of our communication with the non-verbal part being beyond our control. Even if we control our tone of voice, facial expression or gestures there is still much that we communicate without knowing it. To stop communicating anger we need to deal with the sources of anger. It’s not enough to manage our anger.
Understanding Birth Order connections to anger can alleviate anger because each Birth Order has its own kind of anger. Awareness of anger dynamics can enable a person to dissociate from that anger through looking at it objectively. Here are Birth Order types of anger with suggestions on giving up that anger.
The Only Child experiences anger as frustration. When the Only is unable to control circumstances he/she may get angry at being frustrated. There is an unconscious expectation that somehow anger will make things work better. Realizing anger won’t fix anything may enable the Only to give up that anger in favor of more constructive ways of overcoming chaos.
The First Born feels entitled to respect that, when it is not forthcoming, makes the First Born angry. The desire for respect is rooted in a deeper desire for love and is a substitute for it. To dissociate from that anger the First Born needs to recognize that anger is not going to get love nor will it earn him/her respect. The First Born needs to know it is okay to have respect and the way to get it is to show love rather than rage.
The Second Born gets angry when he/she perceives that no one cares about his/her feelings. Of course, anger is ineffective in making others sensitive to the Second Born’s feelings. Rather, it makes others think that the Second Born does not care about anyone else’s feelings. The Second Born needs to see that being emotionally open is more likely to encourage others to care about his/her feelings than anger which makes people defensive.
The Third Born generates ideas that he/she wants others to value. When others ignore these ideas, go with other ideas or simply reject them the Third Born gets angry. The Third Born needs to know it is okay to desire others to consider your ideas. However, if the Third Born understands that anger does not attract people to ideas he /she may be able to let go of anger to find other strategies to get his/her ideas considered.
The Fourth Born is the most likely of all the Birth Orders to experience anger in relationships because he/she was not valued by the older siblings. The Fourth Born feeling unwanted can get angry and, since anger drives others away, he/she continues to feel unwanted and angry. Realizing that anger will not attain what he/she wants the Fourth Born may be able to give it up in favor of better strategies for relating with people. Getting rid of the anger allows for closer relationships.
This can be a good start for disposing of the anger that interferes with relationships. However, it may not take care of all the anger. Memories of past experiences, when triggered, can be a source of anger beyond Birth Order. To deal with these sources of anger a person needs to deal with the memories so they no longer produce the anger. This may require professional help or it may be accomplished by talking to someone who is patient, understanding and able to listen thoughtfully.
3 comments on Understanding Anger Through Birth Order
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Interesting - and in my case - pretty accurate. I have just come to realize all of the bottled up anger I have inside of me. I never could figure out why I seemed to attract mean, angry people into my world. What a relief to have a plausible explanation.
The cork has popped and 45 years worth of depressed anger is spewing out. My brain is clearer, my heart not so much feeling betrayed and stomped on anymore.
Your research should be required reading for all therapists, doctors, teachers, and especially parents.
hello hello. I was wondering if you could recall in which post you said how the first born feels that the world lacks love. I think I am a first born, and I have been tihnking of how a gal i dated was very loving and reassuring. and now i wonder how much i need that.
Hello to you. I don't recall which post has the quote. However, the idea is that the First Born lives in a world where love is unavailable. The First Born feels love is hard to get - and if love is easy to get in a relationship there must be something wrong. So the First Born finds a relationship where love is hard to get because that makes sense in his or her perception of the world.